


'within it, you must always stay.'

by sighingfawn



Series: “There is, in the end, the letting go.” [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Recovery, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 12:23:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2068029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sighingfawn/pseuds/sighingfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sequel to 'a ghost with a beating heart.'<br/>Ray is recovering from an eating disorder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'within it, you must always stay.'

**Author's Note:**

> So much longer than I intended. Thank you all so much for your lovely feedback on a ghost with a beating heart.  
> Sorry if the ending is terrible.

            Ray counts down the first month of Not Living In Austin with therapy sessions and calories. Every tuesday afternoon and friday morning his mother drives him to the hospital and walks him inside to the waiting room before going back to her car. He never asks what she does, during this first month he doesn’t care. He sits in the waiting room staring at the supposed motivational posters on the wall until his therapist, a woman called Vicky who has the dullest green eyes but the warmest smile, comes and gets him. He sits in silence for most of the sessions. He doesn’t trust her but he likes her enough to tell her straight.   
“I’m never going to get better. I’ll fake it until I’m fat enough to go back to Austin.”   
He remembers the knowing look she gave him, like she had heard it all before. “You never know what will happen in these next sessions. Maybe you’ll make genuine improvements.”  
Ray repeated the words fuck you in his head until the hour had ended.   
Therapy for the most part was fine, he could lie or stay silent until the hour passed, the thing that destroyed him was the meals. Back in Austin every meal and calorie was planned meticulously to keep him at his goal for the day but here he eats from a food plan that was designed to give him all the calories and nutrition he needed to avoid hospitalisation. Ray forces the food down like bad medicine and while his mother pretends that she is not watching him eat he memorises the ingredients.   
He google searches them later and cries at the horrible numbers they contain. When his mother finds him crying and hugs him, he doesn’t push her away.   
It took him two weeks before he checked his email and another three days to respond to the long message that Burnie had sent him containing supportive words from his coworkers.  
“There’s a good future for you here Ray, and you fuckin’ deserve it.” Burnie wrote.  
He replied in short sentences about how well therapy was going and how he missed Austin so much and how he missed everybody but fuck you, not Joel, and how they should all definitely come out to visit him soon. Maybe drive him up to Austin for the day.  
Burnie didn’t reply.   
            Joel counts down the first month of being alone in calls to Ray’s mother and work. She calls after his therapy sessions. The conversation always plays out the same way.  
“Is he eating?”  
“He’s eating what I’m giving him but he still keeps crying.”  
SIlence.   
“Vicky thinks that he’ll improve next week.”  
“Did he last week?”  
Quiet.  
“He wants everybody to come see him.”   
“What do you think?”  
“He’s still not ready.”  
“Has he mentioned me?”  
Silence.   
He finally believes that she doesn’t blame him for the severity of Ray’s eating disorder but he still feels so much guilt at how he betrayed Ray and left him. The sadness drifted into work forcing Matt to tell everybody to keep him out of videos for the time being. At first Joel was relieved that he wouldn’t appear on camera or have to sit and do voice overs with the gnawing anxious feeling sitting solidly in his chest but after two weeks he decided that he needed something to try and fill blank space.  
In the end, he asked the achievement hunters for videos to edit, begging them for let’s plays that they were sure they would never upload just so he had something to do.   
They never had the heart to say no.   
  
In the second month, Ray broke at therapy. He stared straight at Vicky as he spoke.  
“Nobody will love me if I’m fat.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because I’m stupid when I eat.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I don’t do things right, I get slow.” His fists clench and flex.   
“Because you’re worried eating will make you fat?”  
He folds over slightly like she has punched him. “Yeah, I guess.”  
“Anxiety is very common and identifying feelings is the best way to move on.” When he doesn’t say anything she continues speaking. “Like if you eat lunch at work and then have to film a video...” She stops like she’s waiting for him to correct her and when he doesn’t she smiles.   
It’s warm and Ray smiles back.   
“When you have to film a video you feel anxious about looking fat or being perceived as fat that you are distracted. But instead of identifying these feelings you link eating with being ‘slow’ and the fear of eating increases.”  
“I never thought about it like that.” Ray pulls his legs into his chest. “It’s going to be hard.”  
“It’s going to be worth it.” She corrected.  
             On the last wednesday therapy session of the month he told his mother he would drive himself and that she should go do something nice for herself, his treat.  
“I’m proud of you Ray.” She said quietly.  
“Give me time.” He tried to sound confident but faltered. “Don’t get your hopes up, not yet.”   
He gets angry in the saturday session. He paces up and down and sits and jitters in the chair.   
Joel hadn’t called or emailed. Not even once.    
“He betrayed me. I fucking hate him.”   
“You have to see it from his side.”  
He learnt how to be vicious so long ago. “I don’t have to do fucking anything. He lied to me, snuck around behind my back and everybody knew! They all knew I wouldn’t come back home. How can I fucking trust him?”   
“When we did your evaluation you were, and still are, very underweight. If it wasn’t for your mother begging us to give you a chance in therapy you would have been admitted with a feeding tube. Joel doesn’t know that, Joel didn’t know that when he drove you up here but he did know that without help and intervention you would have died.”   
“I could have gotten that in Austin!”   
“If Joel had came home one night and told you that the following day you had a therapy appointment would you have went?”  
He looks down at his hands and shakes his head.  
“Ray, Joel didn’t want to leave you but sometimes there isn’t another choice when the one you love is hurting themselves.”   
They sit quietly for a long time before Ray speaks again. “Sometimes it’s not even about weight, its about how useless I feel at everything else. It’s like I can fuck up on a video or ordering coffee but not eating is something I can do.”   
He keeps talking long after the session should have finished.   
             In the final week of the second month Matt and Burnie ask Joel to meet them in Matt’s office.   
“Ray emailed me.” Burnie says before Joel can sit down.   
“Oh.” A question dies on his lips.  
“I’ll send you the email but…” Burnie trails off before looking at Matt for support.  
“He wants you to explain why he hasn’t been in videos.”   
Joel feels like somebody has sucked all the air from the room. “What did he say?”  
Burnie scrolls quickly through his phone. “He said ‘Will you ask Joel if he will make a video telling everybody where I am? He can tell the truth, eating disorder, therapy, whatever. And unless one of you want to give him a blowjob, don’t let him read the comments. He’ll get too angry.” Burnie looks up at the moment Joel’s face collapses.  
“Is that okay with you?” Matt places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes.   
He can’t do more than nod his head.   
Joel stumbles over his words as he repeatedly thanks the achievement hunters for taking an early lunch so he could film the video in Ray’s chair.  
“He’s our family too.” Geoff says as he passes Joel.  
“I know. I didn’t mean-”  
He holds up a hand. “You’re his family which means you’re ours. You both forget that sometimes.” Geoff rubs his hand over his face. “I’m sorry Joel. We should have noticed.”   
Joel’s arms wrap around Geoff before he comprehend his actions. “His mother told me that if he wanted to hurt himself, even if we watched him all day, he would find a way. Eating disorders make liars out of people and for so long, if they don’t want you to know you won’t.”  
“We just.. All of us feel like we let him down.”   
“He’s getting better Geoff. If he wanted help he would have asked, directly or indirectly. Don’t let the guilt eat you up. Please.”  
Joel sits in Ray’s chair and finds that the video recording software is set up on his computer. He presses record and the words pour out steadily.    
“Hey, it’s Joel. A lot of you have been wondering where Ray is and he gave me permission to do this so don’t flip out. Ray has an eating disorder, and after weeks of me and many others trying to convince him to get help, I decided along with his mother that him staying here wasn’t safe for him. Back at home he has a network of professional people who can decide medically what is best for him to ensure that he gets better, mentally and physically. We don’t know when he will back, that is up to his doctors and himself. Everybody at Roosterteeth hopes that during this time you will give him privacy. And Ray, we all love you, and are so proud of you.” He imports the video to upload before he lays his head on Ray’s desk and cries.    
  
            Joel called Ray after the video had uploaded and they spoke until the early hours of the next morning, often lapsing into crying and whispering apologies and promises. Five months drifted like snow.   
A routine developed where after every therapy session Ray would call Joel from the car and talk to him until it was time for his afternoon or morning snack. One day Joel begged Ray to skype with him.   
“Not while I look like this. When you see me I want to be healthy.”   
Joel’s disappointment faded when Ray told him excitedly of how he asked for a second portion of ice cream in a restaurant.   
At the end of the fifth month Gavin excitedly told Joel about how Ray had asked the achievement hunters to come up and visit him.   
Joel swallowed hard. “When did he ask you?”  
“Like five minutes ago!” Gavin clapped his hands excitedly. “It’s gonna be fucking top!”   
Gavin finally saw the crumbling smile. “DId he not-”  
“No.” Joel said as he turned and walked to his office.   
“I want to see you on your own.” Ray explained when Joel angrily asked why the fuck the achievement hunters were seeing him before his boyfriend. “Seeing them first will let me answer all their questions not in the office.”   
“But I miss you more.” Joel whispered.   
“Soon.” Ray promised.  
            The office felt empty and quiet without the achievement hunters usual constant filming and screaming. Joel had thought about taking the three days off work that they would be out of the building to avoid the angry feeling that twisted in his stomach whenever he walked past their silent office. He knew Ray was right and that seeing them first would mean that they could spend their time alone but he still felt upset that it would be another week before he saw his boyfriend.   
His phone flashed informing him that he had a message from Ray. “Check youtube.”   
Joel clicked on the subscription tab and found that there was a video uploaded minutes ago with the title ‘FOR JOEL’.   
Pressing play, the video started with a shot of the achievement hunters in a car yelling excitedly before cutting to them singing to the radio so loudly that Joel jumped. There was a few seconds of black before showing Ryan jumping out of the car to chase Gavin into the Roosterteeth building.   
Wait.   
It then cut sloppily to the camera looking down at checkerboard vans walking through corridors before tilting up to show that they were in the achievement hunter office.   
“I’m here. I missed you.”   
Ray’s voice, Joel thinks as he bolts out the door, that fucker.

 

 


End file.
